You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
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