Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
