May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize