Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
