if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize