I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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