Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Randomize
