I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
