speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
