If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
