I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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