i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize