well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
