One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
17 year olds will be the death of me.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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