I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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