You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
