my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
we made out on top of his cat.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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