Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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