Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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