how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize