weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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