I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
