My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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