pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
