This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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