My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
