I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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