Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
