i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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