i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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