And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
