How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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