I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
