Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I think my vagina is haunted
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
