your thong is hanging out like whoa
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
