you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
