After last night, I could never be a politician.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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