What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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