Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
