dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
