I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
