: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Someone came in the potted fern
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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