Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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