Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just pynch a tree in the face
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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