You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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