You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize