I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
