I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
