I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Enjoy the penises
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
