how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Randomize
