Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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