the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Randomize
