Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
