I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
