I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
