Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
