Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
